no one saw your fear *

[Dawson Gerrick Schaffer]

Life sucks, and then you die. Dawson Schaffer was really starting to feel like that quote described his life perfectly. His life sucked, and then he’d die. He wanted to die, actually. The sooner the better? That didn’t sound all too bad. He was depressed. He was feeling borderline suicidal. And best of all, there was no one out there that cared. Dawson had finally found someone in his life that cared, someone that he wanted to spend time with, someone that wanted to spend time with him. Dawson was falling in love. And then, just like that, it was over. Gone. He’d gone. Andrei had gone. His life was going back to shit again. No one cared about him, no one wanted him here. There was no point to his life, none at all. Why should he even keep trying? And yet, then why was he still here? If there was no point to him living, then why he was he lurking in the library? Why was he coming to school? Why was he even getting out of bed? There was a part of him, somewhere deep inside, that was hoping that Andrei was going to come back. He couldn’t leave him forever, right? He wouldn’t! He cared about him... didn’t he? Or was that all a hoax, just all one big lie? No, it couldn’t have been, Andrei really liked him. They’d kissed. They’d gone to prom together. Had that all meant nothing? In the end, was it really nothing?

Maybe Dawson was spending too much time thinking about this. Maybe he should just let it go. It had been weeks. And yet, he couldn’t keep his mind from bringing it up all the time, he couldn’t help seeing things around school and home that reminded him of Andrei. Dawson, quite simply, had been falling in love. This wasn’t just a breakup to him, this was complete and utter abandonment. He didn’t know how to deal with it. He wasn’t doing so well, that much was for sure, but in reality he wasn’t trying all too hard. He wasn’t content, but he was content to mope and really, get depressed, rather than ask for help or try to heal. He didn’t want to heal. He wanted Andrei to come back and see all the pain he’d inflicted on him by leaving. No, he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to hurt Andrei; he loved him. But he wanted him to feel the same pain. No, he didn’t. But wasn’t Andrei in pain too, wherever he was? Where had he gone? He’d left him, he’d deserted him! But he had to come back...

Dawson knew deep down that Andrei wasn’t going to come back. He was never going to come back, and Dawson was going to forever be alone. He’d barely healed the first time; there was no way he was going to be lucky enough to heal again. This was worse pain, worse than he’d felt before he moved to Riverdale. He had tried to kill himself the first time, and frankly, he wasn’t sure how he was even alive right now. This pain was too much to bear. He sat in a corner of the library, between bookshelves, his back against the wall. Dawson took a labored breath, staring down at the open book on his lap, not digesting any of the words. He didn’t even know what the title of the book was. He didn’t care, either. He didn’t care about anything. Andrei didn’t care about him. Nobody cared about him. He was a nobody, he was alone. Dawson’s lip trembled as he got to his feet, stuffing the book back into an empty spot on the shelf randomly. He needed to go.

^{STARRING : dawson and arlen! <3
WORDS : six hundred and twenty-seven
STATUS : erledigt!
NOTES : </3
LYRICS USED : USE SOMEBODY - KINGS OF LEON
LISTENING TO : brick by boring brick, paramore
TAGGED : TANA}

[Arlen David Halden]

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

Arlen had not been doing that well since Chi had gone back to Japan. Sure he understood why he ended up leaving, but the thing was Arlen was fine with a long distance relationship. Apparently though, Chi was not so fine with it. So thus they had broken up and the boy was left feeling a bit heartbroken. He didn’t let it impact him too much though when he was around other people. After all, he wasn’t the type to bring others down with his own issues. He was much too optimistic for that, and besides they were in high school so this type of thing did happen from time to time. Sure he had been hoping for a fairy tale high school sweet hearts type of thing with Chi, but it obviously was not meant to be. Thus, he would have to just move on and figure something else out though. Saying that and doing it were two different things. Sure he looked like he was over the other boy, but he honestly was not in the slightest. If he thought about the little freshman for too long then he found himself getting depressed and losing his energy. Just so long as the boy managed to keep himself distracted though, he could deal with doing normal things and acting happy. Thus, that was normally what he would try to do and kept himself distracted by doing random flips or finding random things around his room. Though he was pretty sure some things he found at times were Chi’s, he was going to pretend they weren’t and then put them back under the black hole that used to exist under that bed. It was an empty bed now, and while Arlen wished someone was there, he wasn’t too terribly keen on getting a new roommate. That meant that Chi really wasn’t coming back, and that it was just completely over with them rather than Chi just taking a small trip again.
Currently though, he found himself wandering aimlessly around the school with no real direction in mind. He wasn’t really sure what he was doing, or if he was even trying to accomplish anything, but he was going to wander for a bit anyway. Besides, it kept his mind off other things that would just upset him. He certainly did not want to start thinking about a certain freshman that was for sure. He also did not particularly want to think about his own family, so he settled for thinking about what he was going to eat later. The boy definitely couldn’t cook to save his life, so he would probably end up ordering take-out again. That really wasn’t the healthiest way to live, but at least he wasn’t getting something that was just all grease or sugar. Sure he liked sugar, but he knew better than to eat it constantly. So he settled for sugar every so often when he needed a quick boost, and every other time he would try and eat some semblance of a balanced meal. He really should probably learn to cook though being that it would be considerably cheaper to do so, but he was pretty sure he didn’t have the attention span to learn. Though, maybe he did, but for now he was just going to have to manage with just food from restaurants. Besides, it wasn’t as if his metabolism couldn’t keep up or something. Quite the opposite really, it was the reason he was pretty much hungry all the time. Anyway though, he should probably really focus on where he was at seeing as he had been just thinking and walking for some time now.

Returning his focus to where he was going he found himself in the Library. Huh, he was pretty sure he had never actually been in the Library at this school. Typically you could find any research you needed on the internet, and so he had never felt a huge need to go to such a place. He might as well explore a bit while he was here though, and so he walked around a bit looking at all the shelves. As he was walking though, he found himself noticing someone from at least one of his classes. Yeah, he was pretty sure the kid’s name was Dawson or something and that he was definitely quiet. This was probably why Arlen had only vaguely noticed him before now. Seemed though that the boy looked kind of upset, or at least like he could use a hug of some sort. So, thus, being the odd person that Arlen was he walked right over to the boy and gave him a hug. ”It’s Dawson right? You looked like you could use a hug…” he said realizing he probably ended up sneaking up on the boy as well. Ah well, a little late to realize that now though he supposed.

---------------------
words: 840
tag: Beth and Dawson <3
note: Pandora fuck you for playing ALL depressing music while I typed this
lyrics: Broken - Seether(feat Amy Lee)

[Dawson Gerrick Schaffer]

Dawson was never the sort of person who did physical contact well. It had taken him a while even with Andrei, the one person that he’d really connected with and gotten to know. And now that he was gone, well, it looked like Dawson was just going to retreat within himself once again. He was even distant around his parents at home, though he truly loved them. In fact, he would always be grateful to his parents. They were the ones that had gotten him out of his hometown after he’d tried to kill himself. Hell, they were the ones that found him after he shot himself and had brought him to the hospital, saving his life. It was literal when Dawson said he wouldn’t be alive without his parents. But yet, even after everything they had done for him and how much they loved him and cared for him today, he couldn’t live with himself any longer. He needed some help; he needed someone in his life, and quick. This new depression was making him spiral downwards once again. If he was left on his own long enough, he would try to commit suicide again, and deep down he knew it. Dawson wasn’t great at showing his feelings, either. He avoided people, and if he was around them, he hid how he felt. There were probably plenty of caring people even within the halls of Riverdale High School that would be willing to help him in a heartbeat, but Dawson would never let them.

This was not Dawson’s day. This was not Dawson’s year. He had thought that things would get better and were indeed improving once he moved to Riverdale. His life had just been hell back home. Fuck, he’d shot himself. Yeah, things were better here. And once he had Andrei, hell, life was almost good. And after Andrei left, he sunk into a deeper depression than he’d even had the first time. He felt numb half the time, and the other time he just felt nothing but great, searing pain. He didn’t want to live on this earth any longer. Living held nothing for him anymore. He didn’t want to be at home, he didn’t want to be at school, he didn’t want to be anywhere. He honestly just wanted to be dead. At least then, maybe in hell, he would be able to feel something. Not that Dawson really believed in any of that. Being bisexual, how could he believe in a God that just hated him? Why would God create people like him, then, just to give him something to laugh at? To give Him someone to damn? It didn’t seem fair, it didn’t seem possible. Dawson had never really believed in God and wasn’t going to start now.

When Arlen just walked up and hugged him in the library, Dawson panicked a little. He froze at the boy’s touch, and when he let go, just stammered and looked down at the ground. “Y-yeah,” he muttered, not looking up. Wait, shit, what if this boy thought he meant that about needing a hug? He didn’t want a hug! He just meant his name! “I-I mean, th-that’s.. th-that’s m-my name,” Dawson stammered, his cheeks turning a light shade of red. Shit, why was this happening to him? Why couldn’t he just be left alone? He didn’t even know who this boy was! Well, probably because he didn’t look up at him at all, and he barely saw him coming when he hugged him. Dawson had just been minding his own business in the corner of the library anyway! Why had he come up to him? The one person in this entire library and probably the entire school that didn’t want even an ounce of human interaction right now! Dawson spared a tiny glance up at the boy. He looked mildly familiar; he was in Dawson’s grade, he thought. Oh, Arlen, that was it. He’d seen him around before. But they had never really spoken and definitely weren’t close enough to be hugging each other.

^{STARRING : dawson and arlen! <3
WORDS : six hundred and seventy-nine
STATUS : erledigt!
NOTES : i am SO sorry this took me this long. D:
LYRICS USED : USE SOMEBODY - KINGS OF LEON
LISTENING TO : my friend starting the sims 3. ahah.
TAGGED : TANA}

[Arlen David Halden]

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

So Arlen may have forgotten about how shy this boy was, but that was a little unimportant now. Besides even if a person didn’t like hugs it did tend to cheer people up a little bit most of the time. Then again maybe that was just him. He could definitely use the hug if Dawson could not. So thus, even if he wasn’t a huge fan of it, Arlen certainly liked it. It definitely seemed like the boy was in shock that he was being hugged, and so he wasn’t sure how great of a reaction he would be getting. At least it wasn’t yelling or something. Then again, he doubted the boy had it in him to yell at someone. Definitely seemed like the type that would rather hide than confront someone. Anyway though, it would seem that for now he would have to deal with the confrontation that was a hug from Arlen. Unless, of course, the boy decided to scuttle off somewhere and leave Arlen standing there like a moron. Hey, he doubted that but he supposed it was always a possibility. He was definitely hoping that wasn’t the case though being that being a little social would not hurt either of them he was pretty sure. He doubted the boy was social very often, and he certainly hadn’t been as of late so talking to a person might help the both of them.

Hearing Dawson talk, Arlen just blinked a bit. Seemed that definitely was his name, but he didn’t seem to have a comment on looking like he could use a hug. That was his choice he supposed, but at least he didn’t freak out completely. All he was doing was stuttering, and Arlen was pretty sure that was normal for the boy anyway. Thus, at least that didn’t go too badly. After all, it could have been worse he supposed. He could have been smacked or something else like Dawson freaking out more than just stuttering. He really didn’t think this through before he did it, honestly it was kind of just an impulse type of thing. Anyway though he wasn’t really sure what to say now…what could you say after you randomly hugged someone? Normally he would have no issue coming up with something, but he wasn’t quite feeling like his hyper self and so it was a little more difficult. He brushed a little of his hair out of his face and gave a bit of a nervous smile at Dawson when he looked up. ”so…um what’s up?” he asked with a complete loss as to what to really say. Honestly he couldn’t really see this conversation going anywhere with how shy the other boy was, but at least he was going to try and do something about it

---------------------
words: 450
tag: Beth and Dawson <3
note: this took forever and sucks I apologize.
lyrics: Broken - Seether(feat Amy Lee)

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